Finding beauty

“We all have choices…”

What happens when the choices have been exhausted?

What happens when the only choice you have left is to stay right where you are, as much as it hurts, as much as you struggle and as much as you can’t see any hope for a beam of light where you are?

In circles, I’ll let it run in my mind

Why?  Why?  Why?

Much like the questions of toddler – “I don’t understand!!!”

On a daily basis I feel the need for a tantrum. I want to fight with this unknown. 

I am angry.  I am scared.

Where is contentment?

Why so much burden?

Why?  Why?  Why?

 

My fists curled up tight, lips pursed, furrowed brows and tears spilling over.  

I’m a mess.  Life is unfair.

The clichés never offer any solace to my pain.  “Life is what you make of it!”   “God never gives you more than you can handle!”  These phrases only add insult to injury.  

Lately I have been reading posts from Lisa Leonard (www.lisaleonard.com) where she writes about “beauty in brokenness”.  I have been touched and humbled.  At what point did I stop noticing the beauty in everything?  When did I forget about the lessons I have learned in the darkest of times?  There is a beauty that emerges from all things but somewhere I had forgotten to open my eyes to it. 

  

I’m taking a moment now, even when it is difficult to write… to uncurl the fists, relax the body, dry the tears and to   just    b r e a t h e .  Like that toddler, I still have much to learn.  Learning that there is beauty even among the ugly parts in life is something I need to embrace. I keep striving for goals and pushing to get there all while beating myself up along the way that I haven’t taken much time to see the journey.  It’s easier to become hardened by our struggles instead of joyous of even our little victories.

So, today I’m daring myself to find the beauty in brokenness daily.  I will never stop being a work in progress.  Growing pains are inevitable. I’m holding on to the excitement of becoming a better me one day at a time.  In the midst of life trials and tribulations I am reminded to be thankful for what I have and how far I’ve become. 

Fight or Flight

It’s fear.

                Fear of losing what makes you feel incredible.

When it feels like someone is pulling away I begin an immediate introspection.

                                Is it me?

                                What have I done?

                                Don’t I deserve better than this?

It’s fear of familiar heartache

                                The pain that consumes you.

                                The thoughts that drain you –  Why?  Why? Why?

It’s fear.

                It’s fear of being back to just you.  Fear of losing affection.

                It’s simply human nature.           

                                But fear is painfully strong

                Fear causes you to react with fight or flight

                Choosing between running or taking these tangled knots in my stomach and throwing them --       

                                Hey you, take this!   You, feel this way!

It’s selfish.  It’s knee jerk reacting. 

Do I run? Do I pretend it’s… that feeling… just not there? 

Anything!  I’d do anything to stop the fear, the panic and that pain.

I must fear myself.

I fear that there is no one that will take me as I am.

I fear that I won’t be able to say what I want and be understood.

I fear a loveless existence.

Retreat to Nature

Retreat to nature
To the starting point
Earth... Wildlife... Air...Water
The earth that grounds you
The wildlife that survives elements
The air required for life
Water for renewal
Feel the earth
Breathe the air
Cherish the wildlife

Be cleansed with the water
Retreat back to life
Strong, revived and renewed.

Embracing Life Lessons

Still accepting crumbs I see….


These are words I say to myself after I’ve done it again. I’ve allowed myself to fall weak when I should stay strong. I should turn and walk and not look back. I allow the words I would tell my friends to roll through my head.


“He doesn’t appreciate your worth”


“A man who truly loves you would not make it all about him”


“Don’t fall for the seemingly sweet words…. It’s just the bait to reel you in”


“Actions speak so much louder than those words my friend… actions”


I see the inaction. I feel the difference. I say how I let myself even get this far and this long with my emotions. I should have held strong. I should have known nothing was ever going to come of this. I fell for the words. You know which ones… the hope, the promises, the dreams which turn into what ifs, if only, and excuses.


Lesson learned: Don’t fall for words.


Anyone can make you feel like you are a princess on earth with words and seemingly adore you but the part that matters most is backing up the words. Showing emotions, proving to someone they will be there and that the words aren’t just floating by like bubbles about to pop. My friends, if a person talks the talk – they should walk the walk.


So I know here is when friends in similar situations and even myself have asked – What do you do now? How do you get beyond this crushed and painful feeling? Well, I allow myself to feel those emotions. I am not in denial of my pain and feeling sad is being human. Most important is that I learn from this as I learn from every experience. These moments of pain are there for us to grow and there will be more times like this. I posted this on Facebook today but feel it applies to this post too:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love – for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment is it perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you from misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. ~Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life

So if you find yourself in a situation similar to mine then be thankful for it. If you didn’t get smacked in the face with that reality then you wouldn’t be able to learn about yourself. Most of all, it means that you have a new door to open and something is so great behind that door. Trust it and move forward to a time when all this will be a distant memory and true happiness and wholeness will find you. Embrace the love you have right now such as your children, family and friends. Throw yourself into things that make YOU happy. Admire your surroundings and dare each day to find something wonderful and beautiful in your day. Find solace in the things you do have and are grateful for. This one pain, it sucks, but you needed this to get to what great things are ahead. Smile with that thought alone.

Purpose

I often wonder why certain people have been brought into my life.  As a believer in everything having a reason, I am naturally curious to find out the purpose.  I’ll contemplate things I’ve learned as not a single moment is taken for granted.  I believe without a doubt that each person has been placed perfectly in my life for good reason.  I’ve learned a lot, from different perspectives down to what it feels like to lose.  I’ve learned patience, understanding, compassion, wonder, amazement and love.  

I’ve learned about myself as well.

I have seen myself through others eyes.  I’ve learned how to become a better me.  However, I have trouble with learning to let go.  I’m learning that there comes a time when a person has placed their stamp in your life and to appreciate what it was and to let it go.  I’m learning to trust that my life as a whole has a purpose.  A purpose that I won’t understand and I need to continue to learn and grow to reach the next step. 

 The step of where I am ultimately meant to be.  

So I'm working on myself with forward thinking.  There are great things in store for me... for you...  we just have to trust placing one foot in front of the other and believing that what's ahead is even more amazing if we let go, and let it happen.   

Forgive

Forgiveness.

I get it. I understand that forgiveness is something we are supposed to do. We are better for it. But, what happens when we can't forget. What happens when we can't trust beyond forgiveness?

What do we do then?

AND are we truly forgiving the person if we cannot let go of the pain that lingers.

If we just                      can't                    forget  ???




That is all I have right now. If I get the answer to this turmoil inside me, I will share.

Dreams of change

Yoda wisdom Mondays and Froggy unexpected Tuesdays… this is how my week has been going.

I love having friends I can get silly with. 

 

I had a dream about frogs.  Yes frogs, strange yet symbolic.  You see, I’ve always taken an interest in what my subconscious is telling me while I’m sleeping and what I learned is that to see frogs in your dream represents change or the unexpected.   Today I had the unexpected crazy with laughter kind of a day.  It felt uplifting to let go of the seriousness that life brings for a little while.  It is also amazing to see how a positive mood can alter the course of a day.  I woke up with the feeling that I could just crawl back into my cocoon and stay there for a few more hours.  The unexpected change was refreshing.  Learn to expect the unexpected.   

So my quick 5 minute blog post is just a reminder to get silly every now and then – it’s good for the soul and has a positive effect on those you interact with.

Rant, Reasoning and Reminders

Why it’s easier to spill my thoughts onto a blank page then to just say what’s on my mind in a moment when it counts absolutely baffles me.  My heart strangles me and the words escape me.  Sarcasm takes over.  I can’t explain it but I’m sure many can understand this phenomenon.   I’m over here trying to find the positive in partially lonely existence.  I say partially because… well I’m not alone.  I am blessed beyond means.  I have two daughters.  However, when they spend weekends with their father it is – just me.  Lately this is becoming harder to deal with.   People…. They come and go.  The strong ones stick around.  Many are weak.  They don’t last.  They have excuses.  Excuses embed into my soul and affect me in the most negative way.  I start believing things.  I start believing that really I am not worth the time.  I’m not worth the effort.   They creep up on me in the loneliest of moments.  They shatter my dreams, desires and hope.   Time to take that advice I can so easily offer others.   One foot in front of the other Melissa and remember that I am in good hands.  It’s so easy to immediately feel selfish and worthless at the same time.  I’m telling you all of this because it’s a reminder that I am human.  We are all human.  Even those that try to remain positive have bad days.  Sometimes I think we might even have more.   I know I am going to learn from this.  I am always learning.  Repeating yet again… I am worth it.  I am worth it.  I am worth it. 

Country Song

Ever have those days when it feels like you are living a sad country song?   I know I do.

::cue twangy guitar music::

Life is getting me down.  My horse is getting old (my car).  Where the heck is my cowboyyyyy? 

Eh.  You get the idea.  

There's a joke that's been circulating a long time that goes like this.  "What happens when you play a country song backwards?"   You get your truck back, you get your dog back, you get your girl back and life is good.
Kinda funny lol.   I'm trying to play my own country song backwards whenever it starts to play its sad tune in my mind.  I have to admit, its pretty hard to keep a positive outlook when it feels like the walls are closing in all around you.  Chances are pretty good that you aren't alone and that someone has been there and still has lived to see better and brighter days. 

Here's to writing a new song... with happy endings.  

Brain-cation

I've neglected you - I'm so sorry!

What has happened in the past month?  Well let's see:

• I finally finished up that class I've already forgotten about ;-)  
• I've fully embraced summer - first sunburn of the season and all!
• I saw a dear friend of mine after a year and that was totally cool
• Played in a lake and went REALLY fast in a speedboat
• Celebrated my baby turning 8 years old on America's birthday
• Participated in the annual Kid's Day festivities here in my town
• Saw some amazing fireworks!
• Gave my brain A REST.

So you see... it was a much needed brain-cation so that I could hopefully come back with some more fresh and inspiring and funny and heartfelt and... well, you get the idea - STUFF to share with all of you! 

I tend to lose myself once summer comes along.  I can get completely intoxicated on everything my favorite season has to offer.  I love sunshine, summer rain showers, campfires, s'mores, camping, star gazing.... ah just plain GETTING OUT.  Especially living in New England where it feels like half the year I'm trapped within the confines of my small apartment hiding from the elements.   I need to get out and be free and experience the great outdoors.  This comes with road trips and beaches and and and....  oh my can you sense my excitement?!?!  I fully intend to soak up every possible moment before its time to put the layers back on and crank the heat.  I'm running barefoot and letting the sun lighten my hair for the next several months and I hope to have much to share with you during this so stay tuned for more! 

Trust30 Day 10 - my message

Your Personal Message by Eric Handler

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?
*************************************************************************

My message to a million people would be the same message I would give to my girls if they could just learn one thing from me...

 You are who you are and where you are at - for a reason.

It's the same thing I tell my friends when they question life
It's the same thing I tell myself when I feel unsettled....

I don't take any situation for granted. 

We are not without purpose. 

Every bump in the road and yeah even the crashes - are there for us to learn.  It's not always the easiest thing to do.  It might be something you need to learn about yourself.  It might be something you have to learn about others.  It just might be something that is pushing you into another direction... closer to your purpose.

So my message is short and simple but I feel at least for me personally, it gives me some comfort knowing that there is a plan for my life.  The people I meet, the situations I face,  everything... has been placed before me for a reason.